


again (and again (and one more time))

by chickencrust



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Ambiguous Relationships, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mentions of Suicide Attempts, coping fic, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-13
Updated: 2016-04-13
Packaged: 2018-06-02 02:03:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6545992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chickencrust/pseuds/chickencrust
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>minghao watches junhui smile (break down) again and again and a couple more times (for good measure)<br/>he stays, though</p><p>crossposted on aff</p>
            </blockquote>





	again (and again (and one more time))

“do you really have to go?” minghao looks sick. his throat is tight and his nose feels clogged and there is this pressure between his brows, in his mouth, burning the back of his eyeballs.  
“i’m going to get better,” junhui responds with a little twitch of his lips. minghao knows he’s trying to smile, but junhui’s smiles haven’t looked like junhui in a long time.

 

junhui smiled at minghao when he came home from work at three a.m.  
“i keep seeing my pill bottles falling from the table again and again,” he told minghao.  
“which ones?” minghao asked and took his jacket off and walked inside to sit next to junhui on the floor.  
“the ones that taste like blue,” junhui said and minghao tried to remember. antipsychotics.  
“anything else?” minghao asks because he knows from junhui’s wide open, focused eyes that junhui is seeing layers; he’s seeing several things happening at once and minghao needs to know what memory junhui is recreating.  
“bitter,” junhui said and that was all minghao needed to know. alcohol. that time junhui downed his antipsychotics with alcohol and told minghao he was going to miss him the most when he died. minghao called the hospital and junhui cried when he woke up and said he was so so so scared.  
“ignore it,” minghao told him and put an arm around junhui’s shoulders.  
“i guess we can pick them up tomorrow,” junhui said and grinned at minghao, “i know it upsets you when i spill them on the floor.”  
his pills weren’t on the floor, minghao wanted to tell him. they were locked in the medicine cabinet and only minghao knew where they key was. junhui knew at some point, but he had forgotten (he had forgotten a lot of things, like minghao telling him to go to bed early and not wait up). his smile looked weird to minghao and his eyes were glassy, like doll eyes, but minghao didn’t say anything.

junhui smiled at minghao while they were laying on the couch together after junhui asked him “am i dead?”. “no,” minghao had replied, “you’re right here with me.”  
“maybe we’re both dead,” junhui said and tilted his head and he had that distant look in his eyes and minghao wanted to scream and he wanted to cry and he wanted to hit junhui in the arm until he came back to earth, came back from wherever he was, like they used to when they were younger. junhui hadn’t been back in a long time.  
“that’s pretty depressing,” minghao said and his laugh sounded flat.  
“is it?” junhui asked and minghao wanted to punch himself in the face. of course that wouldn’t be depressing to junhui. nothing was depressing to junhui anymore, death least of all.  
“well, we wouldn’t be able to see each other if we were dead,” minghao reasoned and that was the most depressing thing he could think of, not seeing junhui (he knew it’s because ‘not seeing junhui’ equals ‘junhui being dead’ but he didn’t acknowledge that thought)  
“i don’t know,” junhui said and looked away, his voice sounding strangled, “i’m just not sure we’re actually alive.”  
“we literally just watched zootopia and that’s a totally new movie. we won’t get to see new movies when we’re dead,” minghao said and brushed his fingers through junhui’s hair. junhui looked up and smiled at him and it made his eyes glow and crinkle at the corners. even from a weird angle, minghao could see it was lopsided.

junhui smiled at minghao with swollen eyes and red cheeks and scratches all over his wrists and neck.  
“it’s okay,” minghao told him and laced their fingers together and tried not to look at the blood under junhui’s fingernails (they were clearly too long. minghao blamed himself for not noticing and cutting them earlier).  
“you were crying,” junhui told him and the tears were back and he was just staring at minghao, observing, searching.  
“i don’t cry,” minghao responded and refused to show even an ounce of the fear, the hatred, the regret that junhui was looking for.  
“you did when i pulled out your nails,” junhui said and minghao was glad he was used to this. he wanted to cry and he wanted to vomit, but he couldn’t show junhui, could absolutely not show junhui.  
“you don’t even like pulling nails,” minghao said with an empty chuckle and he could feel the cold from the tiles seep through his jeans and into his very bones.  
“i didn’t want to,” junhui responded and he had that empty expression, the one that said ‘why am i still fighting’ and minghao felt bile rise in his throat.  
“it’s okay, i forgive you,” he said and junhui’s smile reminded minghao of wonwoo’s, for some reason. it didn’t even look like junhui.

junhui smiled at minghao while they were outside. minghao had taken junhui’s hand and junhui was swinging back and forth and his eyes were wet with tears and minghao didn’t ask why. it was a sunny day and if junhui was happy then minghao was okay.  
“i can’t feel my pulse,” junhui told him with a breathy laugh and he looked like he was going to cry but minghao just gave him his best smile and gripped his hand and said: “i can.”  
junhui cried then, but he was still smiling and minghao just let him do it and didn’t try to dry his tears before they reached the park they’d visited at least a hundred times before.  
“wow, this place is beautiful,” junhui said and his eyes widened with awe, just like the other hundred times they’d been there.  
“i know,” minghao said and he smiled too, for real this time. junhui’s true happy faces had that effect on him even now and he didn’t mind the repetition of it let him see junhui happy again and again, “this place is my favourite.”  
“why haven’t you shown me before?” junhui said as per usual and they sat down on the same pale green bench in between the same tall trees (minghao wondered if he should learn the name of the trees soon. maybe if he brings up something new, junhui will start remembering) as they always do.  
“i have, silly!” minghao said and laughed and junhui went silent and looked away. minghao grasped his hand a little tighter and let his head rest on junhui’s shoulder.  
“sorry,” junhui said, silently, quietly.  
“and i’ll do it again if you forget,” minghao reassured him. he always said ‘if’, because he still had hope that it wasn’t ‘when’. junhui smiled at him again and he looked like the sun and minghao pretended junhui’s smile actually reached his eyes, just for a moment.

 

“it’s just for a month or two,” junhui says and his posture looks relaxed, but minghao sees his fingers twitch around the suitcase’s handle. junhui thinks he hasn’t been away from minghao before and it makes him stressed out, minghao knows.  
“yeah, i know,” minghao says and he looks away. he feels sick to his stomach and he wonders briefly who is the dependant one of them: him or junhui?  
“i’ll be better when i come back, i’m sure!” junhui has a kind-of-grin and minghao attempts one too and he knows they both look pathetic.  
“i’m sure you will,” minghao whispers, murmurs and it’s somehow honest

he doesn’t even have the heart to tell junhui this is the sixth time he goes to the mental hospital (he knows junhui has forgotten)

**Author's Note:**

> sorry if this was vague and weird my whole general existence is vague and weird right now
> 
> so i SHOULD be working on my other fics that im SUPPOSED to be working on but here i am  
> im manic off my ass and i needed to talk about how im doing so  
> junhui (and minghao) get the brunt of my mania  
> juns experiences are based off my own (the past three days lol) and idk if its JUST mania but i think it's tied to that
> 
> aslo they dont explicitly kiss but their relationship is so extremely intensely implied that yeah its junhao
> 
> i honestly dont know what this is i just gotta Vomit it out there u kno  
> EDIT: i have acfually not been to a mental hospital bc im scared but if i had the guts i would


End file.
